For the last few weeks I’ve been down. Bummed out. Heavy hearted. Gloomy. In the dumps. Blue. Melancholy. Depressed. Whatever you want to call it, life has felt overwhelming for me.
The reasons are many but mostly I’m fixated on two questions: where are we going to live and will we be able to adopt Maddie? In many ways, the two go hand in hand. I don’t have answers for either and try as we might to resolve them, Colin and I can do nothing but wait for the outcome.
We are desperate to settle down, have our family take root. We’d love it to be here but the absolutely ludicrous prices of homes in the area make that option almost laughable. I’m not asking for much. Just a 3-bedroom with a yard and a washer and dryer in our actual dwelling. We’re not even looking to buy right now–just rent– and yet the prices seem far beyond what feels comfortable. Our circular conversations that started the moment we unpacked the last box in this apartment have us worn out:
I can’t stand it in this apartment any longer! Should we stay? No! Let’s look around for something better. Oh look, here’s a listing for $2,400/month. Should we do it? Yes! But it’s so much more than what we’re paying for our current dump. You’re right– we can’t really afford that anyway. Yeah, we should just stay here and save money until something better comes along for cheaper. Yeah, let’s just stay here. It’s not that bad and surely we’ll find something else soon… I can’t stand it here any longer! Let’s look around for something better… (repeated at least 800 times)
I want so much to change the home we live in, but it’s just not happening. We’ve both prayed and felt that we should stay here in town for as long as the adoption process takes. That means any chance of upgrading our space is at the mercy of the Goleta housing market. So, I keep pouring over Craigslist hoping for a miracle.
And then there’s Maddie. Our sweet little girl who we love with all of our hearts. Will you be ours forever? We’re not sure. Without going into any details, sadly, her birth mother is vacillating on her decision; I cannot imagine her pain. Does that mean the adoption won’t happen? It’s difficult to say. We’re not panicking. But the chance that it might not, even if it’s only a slim one, is almost too much to bear. We’re no fools, of course. We never thought for a moment that this process would be smooth sailing, but we hoped that Maddie’s health situation would make a more clear-cut case. But nothing is easy when it comes to adoption. And there are never, ever any guarantees.
With these questions weighing on my heart it’s been difficult to get things done. The dishes pile up more often. Laundry lays unfolded for a few days. The vacuum hasn’t been turned on in who knows how long. I haven’t blogged in weeks. But the worst is the mountain of thank you cards that are untouched and desperately overdue. From the thoughtful presents from dear friends given while we were in the hospital, to Julianna’s “minkie” and loaned Laura clothes, to the wonderful friends’ baby shower gifts, I am horrendously behind in showing my gratitude.
So, it’s time to snap out of this funk. I’m moving forward. No, I don’t have many answers. But that doesn’t mean that I should put myself on hold waiting for them to come.