In a Funk

For the last few weeks I’ve been down. Bummed out. Heavy hearted. Gloomy. In the dumps. Blue. Melancholy. Depressed. Whatever you want to call it, life has felt overwhelming for me.

The reasons are many but mostly I’m fixated on two questions: where are we going to live and will we be able to adopt Maddie? In many ways, the two go hand in hand. I don’t have answers for either and try as we might to resolve them, Colin and I can do nothing but wait for the outcome.

We are desperate to settle down, have our family take root. We’d love it to be here but the absolutely ludicrous prices of homes in the area make that option almost laughable. I’m not asking for much. Just a 3-bedroom with a yard and a washer and dryer in our actual dwelling. We’re not even looking to buy right now–just rent– and yet the prices seem far beyond what feels comfortable. Our circular conversations that started the moment we unpacked the last box in this apartment have us worn out:

I can’t stand it in this apartment any longer! Should we stay? No! Let’s look around for something better. Oh look, here’s a listing for $2,400/month. Should we do it? Yes! But it’s so much more than what we’re paying for our current dump. You’re right– we can’t really afford that anyway. Yeah, we should just stay here and save money until something better comes along for cheaper. Yeah, let’s just stay here. It’s not that bad and surely we’ll find something else soon… I can’t stand it here any longer! Let’s look around for something better… (repeated at least 800 times)

I want so much to change the home we live in, but it’s just not happening. We’ve both prayed and felt that we should stay here in town for as long as the adoption process takes. That means any chance of upgrading our space is at the mercy of the Goleta housing market. So, I keep pouring over Craigslist hoping for a miracle.

And then there’s Maddie. Our sweet little girl who we love with all of our hearts. Will you be ours forever? We’re not sure. Without going into any details, sadly, her birth mother is vacillating on her decision; I cannot imagine her pain. Does that mean the adoption won’t happen? It’s difficult to say. We’re not panicking. But the chance that it might not, even if it’s only a slim one, is almost too much to bear. We’re no fools, of course. We never thought for a moment that this process would be smooth sailing, but we hoped that Maddie’s health situation would make a more clear-cut case. But nothing is easy when it comes to adoption. And there are never, ever any guarantees.

With these questions weighing on my heart it’s been difficult to get things done. The dishes pile up more often. Laundry lays unfolded for a few days. The vacuum hasn’t been turned on in who knows how long. I haven’t blogged in weeks. But the worst is the mountain of thank you cards that are untouched and desperately overdue. From the thoughtful presents from dear friends given while we were in the hospital, to Julianna’s “minkie” and loaned Laura clothes, to the wonderful friends’ baby shower gifts, I am horrendously behind in showing my gratitude.

So, it’s time to snap out of this funk. I’m moving forward. No, I don’t have many answers. But that doesn’t mean that I should put myself on hold waiting for them to come.

7 thoughts on “In a Funk”

  1. Jeannie are you crazy? I would be insulted if you took the time to write a thank you note. Not that you owe me one.

    Hey thanks for letting me borrow your coat btw, I owe you a note on that.

    Reasons J/C/W/M should stay in SB:
    1) Small apartments are less annoying when you can go outside 95% of the year. Make that 100%
    2) There is always something that itches. It might be size/noise level of apartment now, but somewhere else it could be: fear of heat exhaustion, a heater going out in the winter on a 0 degree day. It could be a total lack of fresh produce eight months a year, attending a church that doesn’t notice your presence or demands it unceasingly; a horrible landlord or legal situation, cockroaches. Or 3/4 kids wetting the bed every night (true story.) Here we deal with small space but an unlimited outdoor experience. Many of my friends deal with too much space and then cleaning issues. As I age I can’t discern between real life-disrupters vs. itches so I assume they are mostly itches.
    3) I can’t return that coat until I am finished in the midwest–do you actually expect me to BUY a coat? Sheesh.
    4) Camping AND beaching within 15 minutes. Where else will you find that?

    I got a bunch of other stuff but I will let other people add to that.

    As to the funk and the adoption issue, that is truly irritating. That is more than an itch and I firmly believe that life-disrupters happen to teach us something. In your case, it might be that you are able to teach others lessons in love and patience, two traits that shine through in everything you do.

    Thanks for being a good example and we definitely will add you to our family prayers.

    Oooh sorry so long.

  2. Whoa you are one tough chica…to be thinking of thank you notes?! I think you’re in such a stage of life right now that it’s ok to skip those for once. People will understand how you’ve been here and there and your minds been occupied with all things emotional and physical. They just give you the gifts and loves cause they love you and want you to know they are thinking and praying for you. Cut yourself a break. You guys are going through a LOT. Your family is such a pillar of strength, sacrifice, and LOVE to be doing all that you are doing for little Maddy and not know all that you don’t know with the outcome. We will be praying for you guys and pray that your love and sacrifice to her will get to be paid off in her being yours forever. I can only imagine the emotions involved…and I will continue to pray, pray, pray *for her little heart, too*

    You guys are amazing!

  3. I can see why you are completely overwhelmed. That’s a lot to handle at the same time. Hope things work out and you find some answers or comfort at least.

  4. I would call your funk 100% justified. These are serious, funk-inducing concerns. (Unlike me, whose funks are often rather childlike and inexplicable). I wish I could say something brilliant, or wise, or at least funk dispelling. But all I can say, from the bottom of my heart, is that Heaven placed Maddie in your arms, and Heaven continues to be aware. And that I love and am praying for you.
    Oh, and if you dare send me a thank you note, you are busted. Seriously. When I see Maddie all prettty and bright and smiley in her bows, Ahh. What more could I need.

  5. Wow Jeanne…..um we love you. You and Colin seem to always make the right decisions. So no matter the outcome, I know you followed the Spirit. You are in our prayers. 🙂

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