Cruel Shoes

Perhaps you saw my outfit from Jackie’s wedding? I needed something to give my black and white ensemble some pizazz. I love shoes, so naturally I turned to adding color to my feet. I found some red heels that seemed perfect. Peep toe, shiny, and overall eye-catching.

There was only one problem with them: they were THE CRUEL SHOES.

Anna knew She had to have a new pair of shoes today, and Carlo had helped her try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, “Well, that’s it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place.”

“Oh, you must have one more pair….”

“No, not one more… . Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want to try…

“Yes, let me see the cruel shoes!”

“No, you don’t understand, you see, the cruel shoes are…’

“Get them!”

Carlo disappeared into the back room for a moment, and then reappeared carrying an ordinary shoebox. He took off the lid and re-moved a hideous pair of black and white pumps. But this was not an ordinary pair of black and white pumps; both were left feet, one had a right angle turn with separate compartments that pointed the toes in impossible directions. The other shoe was six inches long and was curved inward like a rocking chair with a vise and razor blades to hold the foot in place.

Carlo spoke hesitantly, “… Now you see… they’ re not fit for humans…”

“Put them on me.”

“But… ”

“Put them on me!”

Carlo knew all arguments were useless. He knelt down before her and forced the feet into the shoes.

The screams were incredible.

Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.

“I like them.”

She paid Carlo and crawled out of the store into the street.

Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, “Well, that’s it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place. Unless, of course, you’d like to try the cruel shoes.”

And they were that painful. Almost. Considering,¬†only 20 minutes into the event, I was wincing with every step I took, the top of the “peep toe” area was cutting into my right big toe leaving a visible mark, and I took them off as soon as I was seated from walking Maddie the Flower Girl down the aisle, I’d call that more than uncomfortable.

Colin joked that my feet might just be in the cruel shoes and I believe he’s right. Now every time I put them on I have Steve Martin’s reading of his story in my head.

But fashion before function, right? They did look great!

So, aside from the pain factor, the fact that they have a burnt cigarette mixed with BBQ smell from the cheap patent leather that forces me to store them in the garage, and the clumsy way I feel walking in such tall heels, I love these shoes!

6 thoughts on “Cruel Shoes”

  1. Okay you are hilarious. I had never heard that before, and it is so funny! And you are right – they smelled terrible. Just icing on the beautiful cake…

  2. I saw them in the pictures and thought, “Man, what beautiful, styling shoes. They really make the outfit.” Little did I know that they were wolves in sheeps’ clothing. Why does cute have to hurt so bad? (And stink?) Love the post.

  3. I tried explaining this concept to my daughter recently. Why women sometimes wear uncomfortable things to look cute. She didn’t get it. Love your post!

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